Meanderings of a Near-Perfectionist September 22, 2009

There’s nothing wrong with doing your best. In fact, we’ve oft been told by our mothers and mentors that one should always try to do their best. Mediocracy is generally unacceptable in this cruel dog-eat-dog world.

So then when, and why exactly, does doing your best go from being productive to a down right problem?

I call myself a Near-Perfectionist because I don’t think of myself as a perfectionist per se; as clearly evidenced the moment you step into my humble 2nd floor abode. My apartment doesn’t look like Hurricane Katrina packed up and moved in, but it’s obvious I didn’t get the nick name Messie Jessie for nothing. There are many areas in my life, even beyond the doors of my living space, in which “half ass” is completely acceptable, and generally preferred. 

But in other sectors I definitely hold myself to unrealistic expectations, and more often than not think that no matter how many atta-girls come my way, I could have done some part of the whole shabang better. This will continue to haunt me and eat away a little at my precious little soul until I get a chance to do another something that gives me the opportunity to try and get it exactly right. But like any cyclical pattern, it doesn’t get any better and the problem simply continues.

I seem to have happened upon conversations involving my two favorite things in this world ( a. Me, and b. topics that I have already been internally chewing on for a while) in the last week. I’ve talked at length on the subjects of mindfulness, embracing who you are, focusing on the present, focusing on the process and not the product, and the very real negative health effects of perfectionism. And let me tell you, being the ultimate self-analyzer I am, none of the information was new to me as I have been a student of all the aforementioned for quite some time now. 

So the question I pose here is: why is it that within some people resides the mindset that it is ok to know you could do better, but yet simply leave it as is, while for others “as is” will never be enough because there is always something that can be improved upon? And further, how is it that those dichotomies can live within the same person, only exposing themselves in different circumstances?

It is at this point I would like to introduce you to the Navajo Nation. These expert rug makers and beaders intentionally leave slight imperfections and flaws in their work, because in their theory only the Great Spirit is perfect, and we as humans can never achieve perfection. We could all stand to learn a great deal from the Navajos in this respect. 

However, I would like to point out the irony in this strategy. If you are intentionally designing flaws into your creation, isn’t your completed project exactly how you wanted it, which is in turn making it “perfect”?

Either way, I think I am going to take my cue from the Navajo, and take a first step towards releasing the grips of “I can do better than this”. I am going to intentionally leave this post as it is, already knowing I don’t like the cadence and structure of the published product. And sure, I will look back at this post some day, cringing as I do so, wonder what the heck I was I was thinking, have the urge to hit “edit” to fix all those little mistakes and fantasize about rewording the sentences so they are just right. 

But I’m not going to do that. This is one of those circumstances where I have the insatiable urge to make something perfect, but I’m going to fight it. I KNOW I could do better (and if this is your first time reading my blog, continue to peruse my posts, if for nothing else but my sake). 

This time, I’m going to let half-ass be just right.

And to all my fellow (near-)perfectionists out there, I suggest you choose one thing in your life and, even if just this once, let it reach it’s full half-ass potential. I feel your pain, but I know you can do it… perfectly.

From the archives… August 8, 2009

Do you remember the first time you heard the album that changed your life? I do. I never actually owned the album, but did have it on long-term-loan from a friend. The day I gave it back was a sad, sad day. But today, as I was engaging in one of my favorite pastimes, yard sale-ing, I spotted it’s familiar jacket, carelessly tossed in a box of random wares, and I snatched that baby up.

Now, as it sit here listening to it all over again, I am reminded of a post I wrote about it on a former (and less public) blog. So now, I blow off the dust and share something from the Messie Jessie archives:

Tuesday, June 24, 2008 

Everything is Everything- The REeducation of Messie Jessie
Current mood:  catalyzed 
Category: Music

Isn’t it funny how things always seem to find you just when you need them? To me, that means the universe is telling you that you’re on the right track.

In a desperate attempt to divert my seemingly magnetic draw of the weirdos on the subway, I took the suggestion to listen to some music during my commute. It didn’t matter if I was actually listening to anything, just as long as I looked like I was. I needed to appear as if no matter how much you felt compelled to talk to me, I wouldn’t be able to hear you, thus keeping me out of a plethora of uncomfortable and annoying situations. But, being me, I decided that if I was going to have the earbuds in, I might as well have something coming out of them. Since I brought just the basics with me while I live in my friend’s livingroom, unfortunately the CD’s didn’t make the priority list. Graciously, my friend let me borrow a CD from her (sparse) collection.  I didn’t have many options, and even fewer appealing ones, but among the wreckage there was The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I always liked her, but never listened to the entire album so I thought I’d give it a shot. I knew she got a lot of acclaim for it, but I figured even if it wasn’t my style I could just turn it off and pretend to rock out.

Turns out, I really like the CD. So, I’m sittin’ on the subway, jammin’ to some Lauryn, when up comes track number 8: When It Hurts So Bad. Now, I know this CD came out in 1998, but it was like Lauryn and I were totally on the same wavelength. It was like she plucked the thoughts right out of my head -10 years before I even thought them- when she sang “What you want might make you cry/ What you need might pass you by/ If you don’t catch it/ And what you need ironically/ Will turn out what you want to be/ If you let it”.

As the tracks progress, it was like I was making the evolution in thought and emotion right along side her. By the time I got to Track 13 Everything is Everything, all my positive affirmations were being reaffirmed when she sang “What is meant to be will be/ After winter must come spring/ Change, it comes eventually”. In that moment I felt like I could take on the world.  It was as if Lauryn was my soul sista, no matter what she ever said about white people. By the time I got to where I was going, I wanted nothing more than to write her a fan letter, telling her how much I loved her, thank her for understanding and apologize for everything my race did to her race…. Ever.

So, here’s where I get all sappy and philosophical on ya. When people talk about everything happening for a reason, even if you can’t see it at that time, you really need to believe them. If all those bizarre and creepy dudes hadn’t invaded my personal space ten too many times, I would have never thought to listen to music on the sub, and I would have never shared the inspiration and camaraderie with the fabuloz Miss Lauryn Hill.

P.S. And God damn, this album is still as relevant as it was on day one.

Actualization of the inner Zen Master May 14, 2009

It’s something I have been working on for some time now. It’s something that takes practice, and effort, and a heckuva lotta “I” statements. It’s something I have struggled to attain, and when I am finally able to grasp it I clench my white knuckled fists around it so tightly that it can’t slip away under the constant erosion.

It’s what I call Being the Zen Master.

There is a certain sector of my life in which has been under the influence of perpetual “drama”, despite my attempts to pacify all parties involved. I frequently find myself the object of said “drama”, although I have not been the source nor the catalyst. I remain a neutral figurehead amongst the chaos, although admittedly, it is not always easy when others feverishly tug at your cloak and provoke you in an attempt to reel you in.

I have finally materialized my inner Zen Master. In the past days, while those around me are yelling, angry and making direct accusations to my character, I have been able to hold my head high, acknowledge their complaints with respect and dignity, whilst still making my point clear. I put up a barrier to all attempts at being drawn in to an emotional battle, where no one can possibly come out triumphant. 

At first I thought my attempts at Zen-Mastering were all for naught- nothing but continued failed attempts. Then today the epiphany hit: the “drama” is increasing because my techniques are working. I am experiencing resistance because these are the last futile attempts of a losing soldier’s battle. We are now approaching a cross road, where the origin of the drama either chooses to acquiesce or remove thyself from the situation all together.

Immeasurable strength can be found within the calm and happy center of your own personal universe. While the opposition may win a few battles, the Zen Master always wins the war.

I just can’t win… or can I?: The paradigm shift March 25, 2009

Today, I am not going to be sharing one of my stories- at least not until the end. Stick with me here, people. This morning I attended a seminar, and the keynote speaker shared a personal story. It struck a chord with me, and I thought I would share it with you all. I find it’s lesson quite relevant to my own life, and it is my hope that you all can find some meaning in it too.

 

Ken is a psychiatrist from Pittsburgh. The day before he was scheduled to leave for a family trip to San Francisco, California he eagerly closed up his office and made the regular drive home. En route, the car in front of him decided to make a U-turn. The driver didn’t see Ken, and to forewarn the driver that they might collide, Ken hit the horn with his right thumb. Unfortunately, Ken acted too late, and the cars stuck one another. The impact caused Ken’s airbag to eject, with Ken’s thumb still upon the horn. Side bar: whomever decided to put the horn and the airbag in the same place, clearly wasn’t thinking. This is extremely poor engineering. End Side bar. Ken was stunned by the collision for a moment, and it wasn’t until a few moments later he realized that his thumb was now resting on his forearm. He also realized that the other driver had fled the scene.

Ken was taken to the hospital, where they called his injury a “partial amputation”. He showed us the scars, and I have to tell you, it must have been real ugly, because it sure wasn’t pretty a few years later. Ken went into surgery, and after getting stitched and cleaned up, was cleared to go on his vacation the next day. 

Ken’s hand was completely covered in white gauze bandages, and he had to keep a medical pillow under his arm so that his right hand was raised all the time. Ken joked that it looked like he was constantly waving hello to everyone, or else giving the Heil sign. This didn’t stop Ken from enjoying the vacation, and he did hiking and touring along with his family. 

As he was riding the bus to Haight/Ashbury, a large man in a leather jacket, worn jeans and dark sunglasses gets on the bus. It was a packed bus, and the only free seat was next to Ken, mostly occupied by his skyward pointing right arm. Ken was sitting there, minding his own business and filling out car rental forms, as the guy squeezes into the open seat. Ken can feel his eyes on him, looking him up and down, but he is used to stares at this point. He then turns to Ken and asks, “What the hell happened to you??”

Ken recounts the story, expressing his anger about the situation. The man takes a deep breath and says, “Well, you can look at it one of two ways:

“You can choose to sit around and be angry about it. But I know a little something about that, and let me tell you; it’s kinda like being pissed off at the air. You can feel it all around you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. OR,” The man pauses, looks down at Ken’s free hand filling out the rental forms, “you can be glad that you’re a lefty“.

*************************************************

So here’s my little quip for the day. It’s not as good as Ken’s story, but it’s all still relevant; to my recent life, and to this blog entry.

I was at work, chatting on the phone with an old friend, playing a little catch up and making plans to get together for the weekend. Discussing current irritations and how I always tend to make things even worse, the following conversation ensued:

Me: Well, you know, all of life is a lesson. I get that. And I learn from those lessons, I really do. It’s just that sometimes, I feel like…..

Him: You just keep fucking it up?

Me: (Big laugh) Exactly. You think there’s a lesson somewhere in there too?

The measure of success March 5, 2009

*Update* I got permission from the artist to post the song, but it seems as if it’s more trouble than it’s worth to post an mp3 file to the blog. Welcome to my world…. So, if I miraculously find a relatively painless method of posting mp3’s I will certainly do so. Otherwise, you can do the following: go to www.kevinandersonstylee.com –> click to enter –> “music” tab –> on the player to the right, click on One Of These Days. Enjoy!

I recently stumbled across a recording of a song that I wrote the lyrics to, while living in Costa Rica. I am currently awaiting permission from the rightful owner of the song to post it on this blog, and will update when I receive a response.

The lyrics of the song basically speak of how we always say we want to do all these grand things, but can’t at this time for whatever our reasons. Bills, job, obligations, etc, etc. It goes on to say that we do plan on doing these things, but only when things are better suited to allow for such luxuries. It also speaks to achieving what we really want out of life instead of what we want other people to see, and what we are told that we are supposed to want.

The hook goes as follows: “One of these days/ When I’m doing just fine/ Livin’ life divine/ Maybe then I’ll find the time for it”. Basically, “when the timing is right, then I’ll do all those things I always wanted to do”.

I listened to the song several times, reflecting on the lyrics I had penned, and pondering upon how the meaning to me had changed since when I wrote it. 

You see, if I were to stand in my shoes from almost exactly a year ago today, I would think that where I am today is exactly where I always wanted to be. I am truly “living life divine”. And in many ways, I still think this is true. But at the same time, my perspective has changed, and with it my goals. Standing in my shoes of today, I can see where I still want to move forward, and where I want to make changes in my life.

This leaves me to ask: Will we ever feel like we have fully succeeded? Intrinsically, will we ever be satisfied? Or do we just continue to strive for more and more without enjoying life for the moment?

And further: Is it possible to teeter the line of contentedness without falling into complacency? 

And to make this all come full circle: Will the time ever seem right to venture into all the grand things that we have always dreamed of doing, or will there forever be another stumbling block we must surmount before we can set out upon our truest desires? Will the time ever be right?

I don’t pretend to have the answers to these questions, and in such, reader thoughts and responses are appreciated.

On the ebb, the flow and the in between February 21, 2009

I love metaphors because they allow me, as a writer, to express mental concepts in a way more powerful and colorful than a straightforward explanation of ideas. They are also a bit more personalized to the individual reader than just me blabbing on and on about my own musings. It allows you, as the reader, to take something unique away from the article.

That being said, let’s talk about the tides (of life):

There’s no denying it: things are always changing. Fighting the change only makes it harder in the end. Ever try to swim against the current? It’s really exhausting. It leaves you breathless, tired and longing for the trusted and sturdy shores. But what we must realize is that in actuality, there is no shore off in the distance. You are, and always will be, forever riding the ebbs and the flows of the tides.

So how then, do you account for those times when things seem to be relatively calm? When there’s no change apparent, no dramatic shift in the status quo? Let me introduce you to the slack tide.

Slack tide is when, during the high or low tide, the water reaches it’s apotheosis and remains at a certain level for a period of time. Slack tide is the shortest phase of the tidal current, generally lasting between one and three hours. This is the time to relax, float on your back, splash and play in the still waters, and swim in any direction and manner you please. This time is calm and lacking any real current characteristics; it appears that the slack tide is the gentle and autonomous waters between high and low. But in truth, it belongs to one of the extremes. Whether a high or a low, it is all still part of the eternal flux.  

When the tide begins to move back out, it is called the turning tide. The comfortable waters stir and the tide changes. High goes out as the low comes in, or vice versa, and you are caught up in the shift, feeling perhaps a bit displaced. This is generally the longest period of the tidal cycle, and when the most waves occur. No matter if you were caught off guard or saw it coming miles away, this is the time when you either chose to surf the waves, or let them crash harshly upon you head. 

 

What will you choose?

So why be aware of the tides and the shifts if everything is just going to change according to it’s own schedule anyway?

 

Because it is important to enjoy the still waters for the freedom they allow you, whether be a high or a low, to be able to choose the course of your journey. Take this time to accept things as they are. Put up your feet and take a break if you need to, or use this time to plan for your next trajectory. But remember, this time will not last long, so use it wisely. 

And when the tides inevitably change, be aware that things are going to feel a bit off kilter and out of your control, but ultimately you have the ability to choose how you will deal with the waves as they approach. You control whether you sink or swim.

While you cannot control that things will always change, you can certainly determine the manner in which you traverse those changes.

Life: taking pleasure in the small things February 3, 2009

Yesterday I was feeling oh-so-stressed about my job. I wrote this long blog draft about how for the first time in my life I was being an overachiever and about how the self-imposed stress was taking it’s toll. In the end, the draft never made it past the cutting room floor, as I couldn’t muster enough energy in my soul to bring it to finalization.

Today, the stress remains, but just 20 mins ago I chose to change my focus. Years from now, will it matter that I have 60 charts to audit in less than two weeks, or that on top of this my bosses keep asking me to do more and more, or that I am holding myself to unrealistic expectations? No, it won’t matter.

Rather, I am choosing to focus on the moment of genuine laughter shared with co-workers, the fax going through on the first try, the decision to turn off the headphones and instead listen to how the snow muffles the city’s din, whilst watching the flakes flutter through the air and feeling them as they melt upon my rosy cheeks.

Tomorrow, I can again resume my work-related woes, but for today these are the things I choose to remember. These are the things that make me happy.

What have you done for your Recovery today? January 6, 2009

Last week I was having a really rough day at work. Really rough. In fact, it was so bad that even though it wasn’t time to punch out just yet, I needed to get the eff outta there. I grabbed a few folks and said, “Hey, let’s go to Borders for the rest of the afternoon”. (Yes, I can do this at my job. In fact, it’s actually encouraged).

My staff knew that I have having a bad day and understood this was exactly why I was taking people to Borders. On my way out one of my staff said to me, “Make sure you do something for your Recovery today”. I smiled, then laughed, and thought to myself, “ok, sure. My Recovery”. But instead I said to him simply, “I will”.

Sidebar: Working in the mental health field creates a closeness between coworkers that I do not believe exists in any other workplace. We know things about each other that even our closest family and friends do not know. We support each other and lean on each other, and more specifically the to dept that I work in, we strive for a family environment between staff and members alike. We are drawn to the profession because we care about the well-being others. In turn, we look out for each other. End sidebar.

I head out to Borders, do my thang, and go home when I’m done. I’m still irritated about what transpired and when I lay my head on my pillow at the end of the night I don’t really feel any better about the situation, and only hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Fast forward to this past Saturday. Again, I was having a down day, but this time more related to the winter blues than anything else. I had had high hopes for the day, and thought that I was going to accomplish a myriad of things. Instead I awoke and could barely pull myself out of bed. I thought that if maybe I just got up and showered, that would be like hitting the proverbial reset button. Nope. Then I thought, “well, my house is kinda a mess, so maybe if I clean up a little I’ll feel better”. I had wanted to give it a thorough cleaning, but was placated to just pick up and dust off. But the cleaning still didn’t help. Finally at 1pm I gave up. I laid down on the couch, tossing the now insurmountable To Do list to the wayside. 

Four hours pass, and I am still on the couch. My coworker’s words from days ago began to ring in my head- “Make sure you do something for your Recovery”. When people not in the field think of the concept of Recovery they generally assume it refers to drug and alcohol addiction. But what Recovery really means is taking care of yourself so that you may achieve and maintain your optimum level of well-being, whatever that is for you personally. And Recovery is not limited to people in drug and alcohol or mental health programs. It is anyone. It is you; it is me; it is everyone who deals with the normal highs and lows of life. It is all of us.

Lying on the couch I realized that I had not been taking care of myself; not doing what I needed to, to make sure that I was feeling good mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I had not been doing this since, at least, my really rough day at work. I know what I need to do for myself when I start feeling down in the dumps, and I just wasn’t doing it. 

At that moment, I picked up my phone and called the BF. I invited him on a “date”. We agreed to meet up at the half way point to a favorite restaurant and have dinner together. After we dined we made our way to the video store, went back to my house, made popcorn and watched the movies until the wee hours of the night.  

I had done something for my Recovery, and the next day felt more equipped to work on the tasks I planned on accomplishing the day previous. Since then, I have made the conscious effort to take care of myself a little bit everyday. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a warm bath with a good book, or others it’s paying bills. Whatever it is that I do, it’s something that makes me feel good, and keeps me in a positive mindset. And it has made all the difference.

So, now I ask all those reading this: What have you done for your Recovery today?

Another sign you are growing up January 6, 2009

When you no longer have a single shot glass in your house.

And you didn’t notice until at least 6 months after the fact… and you don’t really care.

And you didn’t notice because you needed a shot glass, either.

On letting go, and letting in December 31, 2008

Before I start, I wanted to share this version of Auld Lang Syne with you all. It is by far the most beautiful rendition I have ever heard, and thought the air of the song goes in perfect conjunction with my thoughts inked below. Enjoy!

 

 

2008 was a really rough year for me personally. While some really great things happened, it was also full of some really aweful things. I set high aspirations and achieved great goals, but also had to face tough challenges and obstacles. 

My lesson in the last year has been “learning how to let go and let in”. Early last year I wrote a blog on Myspace about the first robin I saw of 2008 (click here to read that blog entry). I knew that this year was going to be an uphill climb. I knew that in order to achieve what I wanted to achieve, be who I wanted to be, and live the life I wanted to live, I would have a lot of work ahead of me. I prepared for these tasks, and ultimately attained what I set out to do. In the end, the returns were more than I ever expected. But that doesn’t mean new challenges didn’t present themselves -either by direct or indirect relation- and it doesn’t mean I wasn’t mentally/physically/emotionally exhausted on many occasions. In some ways I’m still walking up that same hill, and in others I’ve taken on a new hill; but it is all with a purpose and destination in mind.

I’ve been reflecting on the last year a lot over the past few weeks. My thoughts on it have come down to, “Good riddance to 2008 and welcome 2009″. Generally, I get a bit sentimental about the passing of the old year, so this mindset is somewhat novel to me.  Saying goodbye to 2008 means more to me than a flip of a page or a new number on a sheet of paper this year. What I’m really saying is I’m finally ready to let go of that chapter of my life; the chapter I had been working so hard to get away and move on from this year. I’m ready to embrace what’s next, and let in my next grand adventure. The rebuilding phase is now over, and the living phase can finally start. And it’s not because of the new year I finally feel this way, it’s because of me- and that’s really empowering. The new year is merely a tangible marker of an awakening to a conceptual change. 

When I finally file 2008 away in the old memory bank, I will label it as “the year I worked really hard for what I wanted, but learned that anything is possible”. It is my wish for all reading this that at some point in your life you find your own way to this truth; because, truly, anything is possible. While it will never be an easy road, it is one of the most rewarding and freeing life lessons you will ever experience.

So, tonight when we collectively bid a farewell (in my case, not so fond) to 2008, I will embrace 2009 with open arms. It will be the moment when I shed the old, and emerge in a beautiful and radiant new skin. I look forward to the new year, and the next lesson(s) it will bring.