A Letter to the IRS December 9, 2011

Dear Internal Revenue Service,

Thank you for your letter yesterday notifying me that, according to your records, I am in debt to you in the amount of $846.00 for the year 2010.

Also, thank you for advising me that if you do not receive my payment in full by January 4th, 2012 (which is less than a month from today and includes holidays in which the federal postal service is closed) I will owe you an additional $20 for my late payment. I am aware that resolving financial matters prior to established deadlines is of top priority for the US government, especially when it pertains to significant amounts of dollars. To me, $846.00 is certainly a significant amount of dollars and therefore I understand the urgency of this matter.

Enclosed you will find copies of my own federal documentation records, which support my claim that your information pertaining to my 2010 taxable income is incorrect and hence I owe you no further monies at this time.

Correct or incorrect information aside, don’t you think we could have just called it even after my fiscal contribution to the $300 billion in taxpayer bailouts back in 2008?

Best,

Dutiful Taxpayer

P.S. No, I don’t mind putting my own stamp on the envelope on which you mandated an immediate response.

An Artistic Interpretation of My Current Mental Status September 28, 2011

I warn you. We have hit max capacity stress levels. There’s a whole heckofalotta stuff rollin’ around in this old brain-o-mine and, frankly, I’m starting to crack at the seams.

If we all lived on a (yellow) submarine, this is what we’d be hearing right now: CLICK ME. Yup, that’s the sound of an impending something-terrible and you better get ready because chances are this isn’t going to end well for anyone within earshot. And I should know, because that sound has been blaring through the grey matter between my ears for the last three days.

Be afraid; be very afraid.

Rather than even try to elaborate further on this particular topic, I decided to do what I do best: get creative.

If my brain could hop out of my cranium with a fist full of crayons and make you a picture describing what it feels like to be stuck inside my head, this is what it would look like.

And since, in fact, my brain pretty much DID make this picture, well then… Dear readers, my brain made this picture, just for you:

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In case you couldn’t quite make out what my brain was trying to convey, here’s the script:

OMGYOUGUYS.IAMSERIOUSLYGOINGCRAZY. No really, I am. My therapist told me so. IHAVESOMUCHTODOANDITJUSTNEVERENDS. IDON’TEVENHAVEAMINUTETOSTOPORBREATHEORTHINK. IJUSTHAVETOKEEPGOING,GOING,GOING

BECAUSETHEREISSOMUCHTODOANDIJUSTCAN’TSTOP.

oh look, a little yellow flower. how sweet. …

GOD,IWASTEDTOOMUCHTIMEENJOYINGTHATBEAUTIFULFLOWER. I’LLNEVERGETTHAT9SECONDSBACKAGAIN

ANDNOWIHAVETOWORKEVENHARDERFORTHENEXT9TOMAKEUPFOR

THE9IJUSTWASTED.

ooooh, i like that girl’s shoes. i’ll have to remember to put those on my shopping “to do” list…

SPEAKINGOF”TODO”LISTS,WHERETHEHELLISMINE?IFIT’SLOSTISERIOUSLYCAN’THANDLETHAT. IAMONEADDITIONALSTRESSORAWAYFROMHAVINGA

COMPLETEMELTDOWN.IFIMAKEITTOSATURDAYIWILL

BEINUTTERDISBELIEF.

hmmm, you know what would be nice and relaxing right now? working on my knitting project…

KNITTING,KNITTING,KNITTING–WHATAREYOUCRAZY?THERE’SNOTIMEFORTHAT. PLUS,IT’SNOTEVENONTHE”TODO”LIST,SOYOUDEFINITELYDON’THAVE

TIMEFORTHATNONSENSE.

ANDWHERETHEHELLISTHATDAMN”TODO”LIST?

INEEDTHISVACATIONSOBAD.

Still confused? Yeah, me too.

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My Favorite Way To Get Dumped Is… August 4, 2011

… When Dude updates his relationship status on Facebook, and it’s not with me.

Surprise!

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What’s yours?

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The Pet Peeve Chronicles: Misuse of words in common expressions April 20, 2011

As you may or may not already know, this Miss Messie Jessie is a word hound. I love me some good verbiage.

One thing that really frosts my cookies is when people use one word to express a point when they really should have used another word entirely.

It happens frequently enough that I dare say it’s become cliché.

This annoys me so much that I actually correct total strangers on proper word usage. You may think I’m joking. I am not.

Below are a few examples that really get my goat (that, by the way, is both an idiom and a cliché). We all think we know what these phrases convey… but do we really?

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“I could care less.”

What you think you’re saying: “Look, I know Joanne says she has a problem with the way I cut her hair, but month after month she keeps coming back. Her opinion means so little to me that I am completely indifferent to the whole thing.”

What you’re really saying: “Joanne’s opinion of my hair cutting skills bothers the crap out of me. My feelings are hurt and I wish I cared a lot less about this situation than I do.”

The word you should have used: “couldn’t”.

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“Peruse this at your leisure.”

What you think you’re saying: “Hey, take a few minutes to glance over my novella when you get a chance”.

What you’re really saying: “When you have a load of extra time on your hands, I’d really like you to carefully scrutinize my novella in great detail.”

 The word you should have used: “browse”.

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“We’ve got to flush out our goals on this project.”

What you think you’re saying: “We’ve got to elaborate on our objectives or our bosses are going to start to wonder what the heck we’ve been doing around here for the last six months.”

What’s you’re really saying: “We’ve got to get this animal or criminal out of hiding –possibly by use of water or another liquid—even though an animal or criminal has absolutely nothing to do with this project.”

The word you should have used: “flesh”.

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“I was humbled by your letter of recommendation.”

What you think you’re saying: “The recommendation you wrote for me was so full of accolade and compliment that I am glowing with pride.”

What you’re really saying: “I am humiliated by your letter, and feel as though my character has been seriously degraded because of it. I am so ashamed by what you wrote that I will most likely not ask you for a recommendation ever again.”

The word you should have used: “honored”.

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So there they are. Anyone got any others?

A Swede, a brunette and a vagrant walk into a bar… April 19, 2011

… Ouch!

What the heck is that about, you ask? Well, more on that in a future blog post, but for now I just want to say this:

Life is weird.

I mean it. Really, really weird.

You go along, making your plans, living your life and then one day you make one tiny decision; one that was probably made on a whim. A decision that you don’t think will have any bearing on your life outside those few, precious moments whatsoever…

And then suddenly you find yourself serendipitously in a situation you never foresaw yourself in, thinking thoughts you never thought you’d be thinking, weighing the pros and cons of pros and cons you didn’t even imagine existed, feeling feelings that make you feel happy and sad simultaneously, worrying about things you’d rather not worry about, and reconsidering everything you’ve been planning right up until that very moment and it all makes your head spin because you can’t put your finger on exactly how or when it started but you know you don’t want it to stop, although even if you wanted it to it wouldn’t because now that you’re in it feet over head it’s like this zeitgeist and you have no idea what’s going to happen except that it’s probably going to end really fucking great or really fucking bad.

It’s the Butterfly Effect in all it’s glory, and it’s taunting you from some dark and shadowy corner. Of a bar.

And then in walk a Swede, a brunette and a vagrant.

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P.S. Apologies to my mother for dropping the F-bomb. Twice.