How much of myself should I expose to those who read this regularly, as well as those who just happened to stumble across this blog? That’s a question I’m dealing with as I type these very words. I feel like if I really want to be good at this, I should just be completely open and say exactly what I feel. But on the other hand, how much do I really want people who know me personally to be able to see into my head? There are some things that are better left unsaid.
To quote a great man:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” –Theodor Seuss Geisel aka Dr. Seuss
Here goes nothing….
Three simple words… Three simple words that leave me feeling very complex.
“I miss you”.
I have said “I miss you” to various people in the last few days, but I don’t want any of you to mistake that this is about you. I do miss you, all of you, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. The person to whom it has been said, and whom this is about will know it is about them. I trust in that. But I’m not writing this for them, I’m writing this for me.
When I said “I miss you” I knew exactly what I meant and exactly what I wanted to convey in that moment. Of course, I tried to backtrack by following it up with something untrue… But now, I’m not sure what I meant. Maybe I did mean what I said in the backtracking. Maybe that really is how I miss that person. Maybe I don’t miss the person, but I miss the idea of that person. Or maybe I really miss them in the way that I originally meant, but now I’m just thinking about it way too much. I don’t know. All I do know is that I do miss them, but in what capacity I just cannot say.
Four words… Four more words that make things even more complex.
“I miss you too”
I won’t even attempt to try and figure out what they meant. I didn’t say it and I refuse to drive myself even more mentally insane trying to get into the little nooks and crannies of that statement. It’s just not worth my time or energy. In fact, it’s probably better that I don’t know.
Why does this whole ordeal have to take so long???
All I can say for certain is that in this entire time period since I started missing this person I have not felt the way I do in this moment until now. And trust me, I have gone through the gamut of emotions in missing this person. I know my heart doesn’t hurt the same as it used to, or with nearly the intensity that it once did. That’s a good thing. And I am able to take interest in others again, which is also a good thing. It’s nice to talk to someone and feel the flutter of those feelings again. But there is still something there. I guess its hope, or faith, or whatever, but it just keeps nagging at me and I feel as if I’ll never be free.
The only other thing I can say for certain is that “it’s not in the big things, it’s in the little things”, and I’m not talking about toiletries anymore. I know you know what that means, my friend.
I’ll leave it at that for now. My guitar is horribly out of tune, but she beckons me to caress her, and I may just take her up on the offer. I remember how nice it feels to be caressed, and I feel as if I should return the favor. Perhaps in turn she will help me ease my troubled and tired mind.