This morning I am living out one of my fantasies. I wish I could say that this fantasy entailed sexual encounters with all the costumes, props and related bells and whistles, but no. My brain doesn’t function on that level. This fantasy is not that exciting- at least not to anyone but me.
This morning I have the pleasure of waking up without an alarm, sitting around in my robe, drinking coffee out of my funky Ikea mug, greeting the world at my own pace, without a damn place to be for another 6 hours. And unlike many sexual fantasies that come to fruition, my fantasy is every bit as gratifying as I always imagined it would be.
Last week I sought out some spiritual guidance. I was instructed to keep an eye out for a man in his maturity with dark eyes and hair. He would be in a position of authority, probably with an official title. I was informed that he would have good advice and I should follow it. Well, at work last week we had a tragedy occur, and as luck would have it we happened to also have our Faith Based Services staff with us. He generally comes to our site for a week once every 2 months or so, to provide holistic services to those members seeking spiritual counseling. The Reverend is a black man who has seen much in his time and imparts much wisdom to those seeking his assistance. He was kind enough to lead a Grief & Loss group for our members and staff to help us process the tragedy.
During this group he spoke about the stages of Grief & Loss. He explained it is a process and there is no set time limit on your healing progression. He also said you cant wish it or will it away; you will heal in your own time. This hit home for me, not so much for the great loss we incurred at work, but the loss I have been dealing with in my personal life for the last several months. I have often questioned why I just can’t seem to get over the whole situation and why it is taking so long for me to move on. It’s frustrating to feel stuck on an emotional scaffold that you cannot climb down. The Reverend also said that it’s important to be aware of the stages and where you are in order to get through your grief and a healthy manner. Awareness facilitates the process.
So, utilizing my new wisdom there is something I wanted to say. I am DONE. I’m done with this entire BS that I have been putting myself through for the last few months. I have been inflicting torture on myself for no reason. I was doing great until I stuck my grimey little fingers where they didn’t belong. It became a downward spiral from that point on. Maybe I’m a masochist, maybe I like to inflict emotional pain on myself, I don’t know. But I’m done. I realized I can’t do it anymore and it’s time for this train to move on to the next station- whatever that be. It makes me sad to say goodbye to something that I’ve been holding on to; but as much as I love you, I love myself more. What the future holds I cannot say. Maybe our paths will cross again, but until that point in time, I have to do me. For the sake of sanity -and possibly humanity- it’s time.
Now to switch gears:
I went to an Obama function the other day and went out for a drink afterward with some new friends. It was a work night and so before going out I said, “I’ll have a drink”. I couldn’t decide what cocktail I wanted from the extensive and pretentious drink menu, so I had a new friend choose one for me. MISTAKE! It was the strongest drink I have ever ordered from an establishment- although worth every bit of the $10 I paid for it. I can’t even remember what it was called but it was like a Mojito, except instead of crushed mint it had crushed lime. The whole pint glass was booze, I kid you not. I took one taste and said, “This is definitely a sipping drink”. And sip did I- it took me 3 hours to drink the whole thing! And I was pretty tipsy by the time I was done.
While nursing my cocktail I had a conversation with a fellow Obama volunteer. When I asked her age she told me that she was 33, although I still cannot believe it. I told her how I dread the impending next decennium, which approaches a little closer everyday. She told me that being 30 is great. I told her I don’t want to turn 30 because that means while I am technically an “adult” right now, at 30 I will have to start acting like one. I questioned her as to what made 30 so great and she responded, “Because at 30 it’s ok to ‘do it your way’”. I thought about it for a moment and realized that actually sounds pretty appealing. If Frank Sinatra can do it, so can I.
Now that I have moved on from some pain and fear in my life, it is also time to move on with my day. My plans include cleaning my apartment, making lasagna that I will later share with a new friend, and rockin’ out to some good tunes in the process. Then I will depart the house to the other things I have planned for the afternoon, and return to prepare for another work week. I suggest that we all move on a little more today- in whatever way suits you best.