Well folks…. I finally ate some turkey. For anyone who has been following my progression of entries, you know what that means. If you think I’m talking about foul and roasted birds, you have some reading to do.
First off, I gotta say- man, that was some good turkey. Have you ever watched your familial patriarch carve the turkey on Thanksgiving and you see this one piece fall to the side that is so ripe and juicy that it makes your mouth water just thinking about it? But then your crazy Uncle Bob lays stake on it and your hopes of tasty bliss are squashed. You resign yourself to looking at what else the dinner has to offer. You don’t forget about that hunk of meat that you wanted so badly, but you know it wasn’t meant to be yours. Then Bob turns his back and walks away just as the bird is being served. Your hopes rise, however, you can see everyone reaching out for that same piece. You don’t expect it, and then –BAM- somehow it’s on your plate. You’re not sure how it got there, but you won’t waste it!
Ok, so let’s get to the meat and potatoes now… (I crack myself up)
I am feeling a bit trichotomous about this situation. Yesterday I wrote this long entry about how I felt like a single drop of rain within a blizzard. I talked about how I believed I would always be alone in my life. It’s not something that depresses or angers me, it’s just something I have come to realize. I got into some really deep shiz about my greater purpose in life and what I felt my destiny was. After I wrote it, I took some time away from it and later decided not to post it for fear someone would think I was a bit psychotic and try to commit me. Maybe at some point I will talk about that more, but for now I think it’s best I keep those thoughts to myself.
So where am I going with this, you ask? Well, on one hand I feel like running around singing and cheering and praising whoever it is that grants wishes to commonfolk like myself. What transpired is something that I wanted, but thought would never happen. I didn’t pursue anything that was, uh… someone else’s property, I guess we’ll say. I didn’t know this fact when I first met the person, but the moment I found out I hit the brakes and kept my unrequited desires to myself. I’m just not that kinda gal. BUT, in the last 24 hours life tossed me a curveball and somehow I caught that sucker, while still watching the game from left field.
On the other hand, I feel like this could be a case of REALLY bad timing. I won’t get into the details because they are not mine to tell, but I do wish there was a little more separation time between all the courses of events. I now know that the feelings have been mutual all along and this person is officially free to do as they please, but sometimes the best things can be ruined by the timing of the parties involved. I am really hoping that timing does not forsake all in this case. And I refuse to be that girl either- the one that was just an expression of newfound freedom. I have been her before, and she’s not a comfortable skin to be in.
And lastly, on a third hand, the biggest question of all: what do I want? I am certainly not in the market for a relationship at this time. I am really enjoying being single and having zero attachments. But I feel more for this person than just a “fun time”. I know how I would like to approach this situation, but it is not wholly my decision to make. As a child my mother told me on many an occasion, “the world does not revolve around what you want”. In a perfect world I could call all the shots, but this world is from perfect.
So, to summarize: I am elated, I am frightened, and I am curious. And, I am also waiting…. The cards have been dealt, and now I wait for everyone show what they’re holding.
By the way, in case the thought has crossed your intrusive little minds- I do have values and I do not give away the farm on the first night… just so we are all clear on that.