As I sit here, waiting for the fresh polish on my toenails to dry, I was reading old poetry that I wrote. I noticed that several of the poems were centered around a certain person who had been in my life, but is no longer. It got me thinking about relationships in general, and what we (or more specifically, I) look for.
Not speaking expressly to relationships just yet, what we, as a culture, look for in just about anything these days is the “wow factor”. According to Urban Dictionary online, Wow Factor is defined, in part, as: “The distinctive appeal that an object, behavior or person has on others”. We want to be “wowed”; we want to be impressed and we want to be excited.
The person whom I wrote some of the poetry about really wowed me. I was wowed by them throughout the entire duration of the relationship. In the time that has passed since they exited my life, I had forgotten about this. I am not sitting here ruminating on the past relationship, nor am I looking backward wishing for things to revert to that time again, but looking back at the balladry, I simply remember now the extent to which they wowed me.
This is something I am looking for in a potential relationship- that Wow Factor. What I am sitting here wondering is will I ever find that level of “wow” again? It is a crucial component to any romantic relationship that I might enter. I need to know that I will constantly and continually be impressed and excited by that person. I need to know that I will adore that person a little more each day. And equally, I need to know that the person will feel all those elements in return. I have been in relationships where I became bored, and I stayed in them out of merely a matter of comfort and convenience. I learned an important lesson from those relationships, and I refuse to ever repeat them.
As far as the potential relationship I am exploring now, I’m not yet sure how I feel. I don’t know if I am wowed to the extent that I desire to be. I’m not saying that I am not wowed at all, I’m saying that I am not sure how wowed I am. It’s difficult for me to tell in this moment. I carry around a lot of fear, a lot of hurt, and a lot of apprehension. It’s not so much emotional baggage as it is self-protection. But because of that protection, I feel I may have proverbial blinders on. I’m so busy subconsciously protecting myself that I cannot consciously be aware of how I really feel. And unfortunately, I think I also read too much into interactions, when there is nothing to read. It’s like I am looking for something to go wrong, just so I can say, “Yup, I knew it”.
A friend told me sometimes I tend to ramble on here, and I begin to make little sense. I think that’s what I am starting to do now. I think I’ll take this awareness and simply marinade on it for a while.
P.S. Now that its dry, I realize I am not wowed by my new toenail polish color.