Right up until Memorial Day Weekend I was completely unconcerned with my single-hood. In fact, I was happy with it. I didn’t need any man to boost my already inflated ego. I did as I pleased, had no one to answer to, and enjoyed life as it came. When I would go out I didn’t have an invisible sign posted on my forehead reading “ISO Next Boyfriend”. I could have cared less if I happened to catch the eye of a member of the opposite sex.
About three weeks ago, all that changed.
Let’s revisit Memorial Day Weekend. That Friday night my gal pal asked me if I wanted to go to a party with her. She told me it would be low key and there would only be a few people there. I didn’t know anyone who would be in attendance, but I had nothing better to do, so I decided to tag along. I threw on a nice-but-casual shirt, kept on my dirty jeans, slipped on some flips, and we headed out.
Nothing remarkable occurred at this party. She was right, it was low key. I spent the evening talking with other guests about grown-up stuff like buying houses, the job market, and infomercial products. If I recall correctly, I believe I had two beers the entire time I was there. There was one dude there, who I remember thinking was handsome, but had no further conversation with other than a group discussion on the magic of the Sham-Wow. Somewhere around 11pm my gal pal and I decided to hit the streets of South Philly and head home.
The next day I thought no more of the party, or anyone who had been there. While drinking coffee and feeding into my FaceBook addiction, I notice I had a friend request. Inserted in the request was a personal message asking, “are you Jess from last night”? Immediately I realized it was the dude from the party whom I had thought in passing was handsome. I confirmed the request and that I had been “Jess from last night”.
Quick overview of the next 3-4 weeks: After several emails back and forth, dude asks me out on a date. We go out an average of twice a week. I really start digging on dude, and read into our interactions that he feels the same. One Sunday we go out to dinner and, to me, it seems we had a fabulous time and were really on the same page about where this is going. I go home completely smitten.
The following Friday we make plans to get together that night, and the subject of who’s house to hang out comes up. That’s when, while at work, I get an email (a friggin’ email for cryin’ out loud) from dude saying that he doesn’t want this to go any further than casual dating and is not interested in anything more “serious” than that. My stomach does a 180, my brain does a mental double take, and all I can think to myself is “how could I have read this situation so completely wrong”?? Naturally, my response was (via telephone, and after noting an email was a seemingly insensitive and cowardly way of relaying such info) “well, if you’re not with the program, then I am going to have to change the channel”. I added, “If you ever decide to come over to the ‘dark side’, you have my number”. I wasn’t angry, but I was seriously bummed.
That was about three weeks ago. Over that time I have found myself lamenting over the fact that I don’t have that “someone special” more often then I care to admit. I’ve mentally reviewed my previous relationships and realized most of the time I was the “dumpee” rather than the “dumper”. I complained to a male coworker about it, to which he responded, “well, you do give off a ‘casual’ vibe”. I’ve gone back to a conversation I had with a male friend several months ago when, over a few drinks, he said to me, “I’d make out with you, but I wouldn’t date you”. I had chalked that one up to him just being a womanizer (which, in all honesty, he is), but now I can’t help but wonder if there was some truth in his statement. I never get asked out, I am always the pursuer, and at this point I can’t help but ponder: what is wrong with me??? I really like who I am and think I am really quite a catch, so why doesn’t anyone else recognize this?
Now, at this point I feel compelled to inject that I do realize most of this self-deprecation probably arises from the fact that it was a “he’s just not that into me” situation, versus a “I’m just not that into him” kinda gig. And I also do realize that like any other temporary state, this too shall pass. But still, I’m not the only woman I know in this condition. I can’t tell you how many of my lady friends complain about the same frustration.
We are what I call “ASS”es: Attractive, Successful, and Single. We’ve got the total package, and yet we are all single as the day is long. One would think that we would be prime targets for any man of equally top-quality stature. But somehow, here we all are, hopelessly dateless. Are men, as a fellow ASS put it, too intimidated to ask us out? Do people automatically assume we are taken? Or is it as another ASS fears, that we excrete some weird chemical that repels the opposite sex?
Whatever it may be, for me personally the real frustration lies in that ever since I was put in the “casual dating” category by dude, I can’t seem to get back to that single-and-content-with-it state that I once was. I’m still not seeking out Mr. Right (or even Mr. Right Now for that matter) whenever I exit the house, but now I’m left with the lingering pangs of “why can’t someone just ‘be into me'”? I’m not alone in this, but still, what a bummer.