Welcome to the first of a series titled The Pet Peeve Chronicles. Here we will examine the little snid-bippits of life that make my skin crawl, my teeth grind, and my mind boggle.
I often find that in people can be put into one of two categories for many arenas. For example, people are either logical or emotional. They prefer sweet treats or salty snacks. Introverted or extroverted. They hang their toilet paper to the front, or to the back.
You see my point?
People can also be put into one of two categories when it comes to how they sleep in their bed. I call these people Messy Bed-Sleepers and Neat Bed-Sleepers.
Myself, I identify with the latter category. I find that when I awake, the covers upon my bed are in roughly the same condition that they were when I laid beneath them: neat, orderly, and covering the entire bed. When I arise, I simply give the blankets a gentle tug back into place, straighten a pillow that may have shifted during the night, and my bed is neatly made for the day, awaiting my return 16 hours later. A tidy bed is a happy bed.
On my best days, I can slip right out of bed without a trace that anyone had even slept there at all.
A Messy Bed-Sleeper is the antithesis of a Neat Bed-Sleeper. And in my opinion, the nemesis too.
How a Messy Bed-Sleeper sleeps, for me, is difficult to explain. Mostly because I don’t understand the process. However, from what I gather, they probably start off their night by tossing and turning. They probably kick their legs around a bunch too. The combination of kicking and tossing most likely causes the blankets to separate and pull away, and the Messy Bed-Sleeper then must grab the blankets back to retain adequate coverage. However, now that the blankets are askew, they will never return to their original form. The night is young, and the battle is already lost. The Messy Bed-Sleeper must now manage the situation by finding whatever bit of fabric they find first, and pulling it as close to them as possible. Tossing and kicking resumes, causing greater unevenness of blankets, and the cycle repeats itself several times through the night. The Messy Bed-Sleeper wakes to find their blankets mostly at the bottom of the bed –or worse, on the floor– and themselves balled up from chilliness under a single blanket. The end result is pure chaos, and well demonstrated by the photo to the left.
So why does this bother me so? Because, as a Neat Bed-Sleeper, I need to be fully and equally covered by all blankets when I sleep. I need to know that I can sprawl out in whatever position I choose during the entire 7+ hours, and I will find an equal amount of comfort and warmth. I do not like to be awoken because I am cold and having to search for blankets, when what I’d rather be doing is sleeping.
Additionally, I don’t like my feet sticking out from the bottom of the covers, especially in the winter months. I prefer to be neatly tucked under the security of my blankets. If I get too warm, I’ll just pull one off. You see, if you haphazardly thrash to achieve proper temperature without any forethought, you’re just going to end up being cold on those parts of your body again anyway– which means more thrashing later on. With all this thrashing and moving and rearranging, how can that possibly be restful?!
And you know what? I bet Messy Bed-Sleepers also people who fall into another catagory: people who don’t make their beds. And not making your bed, well… that’s just wrong. How can you not make your bed? Probably because they are messy in general. So because Messy Bed-Sleepers are just that (messy) they instead wrap themselves up in the blankets, probably shivering and wondering why it’s suddenly so cold in the room. I bet they have higher heating bills too, because Messy Bed-Sleepers don’t realize that if your blankets just stayed in place, you could actually turn down the heat at night because the blankets will do what they are designed to do: keep you warm. Meanwhile, us Neat Bed-Sleepers are in our beds, cozy and temperature controlled, peacefully snoozing, and not dreaming about the Gas Man busting through our door, with machete in hand, to get his money. Neat Bed-Sleepers are dreaming about Unicorns.
And while we’re on the subject, have any of you, as Neat Bed-Sleepers, ever had to share your sleep sanctuary with a Messy Bed-Sleeper? It’s torturous. They steal all your blankets in the middle of the night, forcing us Neat Bed-Sleepers to try to pull some blankets back over our shivering and hapless bodies. But we can’t. And you know why? Because while you were unconscious, that Messy Bed-Sleeper you call a friend has stolen all the blankets and is now wrapped in a chrysalis, leaving you no way to unravel that mess. Instead, you lie in bed, cold and irritated because, once again, the Messy Bed-Sleeper has usurped the sleeping arrangement.
In conclusion, Messy Bed-Sleepers are uneconomical, disorderly, inconsiderate, and thieves, and that is why they annoy me.
So, tell me: are you a Messy Bed-Sleeper or a Neat Bed-Sleeper?