Snapshots of a… Crazy Kinda Life

The Misadventures of Messie Jessie

Every Girl Needs An Escape Plan September 26, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 9:48 pm
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If there is one thing that is customary about a first date, it’s the Escape Plan. Everyone has had one. You may not have used it, but you had it in your back pocket just in case that guy you met at the coffee shop went from being your Dream Man to the Sandman.

I had a first date recently. It was “meh”. But then this Meh Guy asked me out again and I figured, “What the heck. If nothing else, it’s free drinks and entertainment.” What can I say? I’m an optimist.

Right up to the time I left the house I was still feeling “meh” about the date. I even considered standing him up but then the whole stupid “empathy” thing kicked in and I realized that is a totally uncool thing to do. Meh Guy had probably shaved and everything. If someone shaves for you, it’s just not cool to stand them up.

Walking toward the dirty subway, staring down at my grey Converse All Stars as I got step-by-step  closer to a night full of “meh”, I  was suddenly struck with the most amazing escape plan ever. If everything went as I planned, Meh Guy would have no idea it was an escape plan at all. With haste I pulled out my phone, sat on a neighbor’s stoop and sent a text to my male friend asking for his help.

Of course, my male friend turned out to be totally lame, and that’s not exactly how things went:

Me: “Hey!”

Lame Friend: “How’s things?”

Me: “Getting ready to go meet up with Meh Guy.”

Lame Friend: “Lame.”

Me: “Exactly. That’s why I need your help.”

Lame Friend: “??”

Me: “You show up and are all like ‘Who is this? What are you doing with another guy? I was waiting for you at home! I MADE YOU ZITI!’.”

Lame Friend: “Oh, I don’t want to be a home wrecker.”

Me: “Boo.”

Lame Friend: “You don’t like him anyway.”

Me: “I know, but it would make it sooo much easier than telling him I don’t want to see him anymore. Please. I NEED you.”

Lame Friend: “So lame.”

Me: “No, YOU’RE lame. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

Lame Friend: “Waiting for you to ditch your date so we can go out and get a drink! Actually, that’s a lie. I’m at Lowe’s.”

One hour and fifty-four minutes later…

Lame Friend: “Are you still on your stupid date? Are you getting engaged yet?”

Me: “Shut up. I’m getting drunk, that’s what I’m getting.”

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What’s your favorite escape plan? Spill your secrets in an email to CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com!

 

Another Round of 100% For-Real Online Dating Screenshots! June 26, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 8:37 pm
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Whatever I write here doesn’t really matter because you’re just going to scroll past it to look at all the fancy pictures in this post, so I’m just going to shut my yapper and get on with it.

And remember, (snarky photoshopped commentary aside) everything you see here is completely real. Enjoy!

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Now, more lifelike than ever!

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Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said “HAIRlines”. My bad.

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All of the above?

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In his response he apologized by saying, “Sorry, I want do that again.”

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I don’t know, that bathing suit babe is pretty hot…

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Are these photos comic gold or fool’s gold? Let me know when you Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

Think I have no right to ridicule innocent people looking for love and that I will probably suffer infinite lifetimes of bad karma? I’m open to your opinion, so let me have it when you email CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com.

 

Everything You Are About to See in This Post is Completely, 100%, For Real. Believe It. April 25, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 12:06 am
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I’ve done something that I thought I would never do. I’m even sort of embarrassed to admit it publicly, but what you are about to see is just too good not to share and I’ve got no other viable way of explaining how I came across this stuff, so I’m just going to get it over with and come clean:

I have ventured into the world of online dating.

It’s not that a gal like me can’t get a date with a another human being in person, because I can. (I can, dammit; I can!) But it’s just so much easier when I can do it from the comfort of my couch, eating my Frosted Mini Wheats out of Tupperware (because I have zero desire to do my dishes and all my bowls are buried in the lower levels of my sink somewhere) while wearing my dingy, coffee stained, pink robe.

I haven’t been at this whole internet dating thing for too long, so I don’t have wild stories for you just yet (but I will, and we both know you will read them). But, oh man, have I seen some things. Things that I can’t believe a person would put out there for anyone with a username and password to see. (This is probably why they are on an online dating site, but I refuse think about this too much since I, too, am now on an internet dating site and I don’t want to think about what this, in turn, says about me.)

Before we go on any further, I feel compelled to remind you that what you put out there on the internet pretty much becomes public domain the moment you post it, which might just find its way on some lady’s blog with or without your knowledge (or permission). Your stupidity becomes my fair game.

Now, let us move on to the good stuff.

I sort of feel bad for this guy now.

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No comment

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"Inmate Number 35821, your internet time has EXPIRED. Back to your cell."

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Attention dads, lock up your daughters! But don't worry, he's only interested if they're related.

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I call him the Latin Pirate.

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Think I stand a chance at finding love on the internet? Give me yours when you Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

Send me your crazy online dating stories at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com, because I clearly enjoy a laugh at someone else’s expense. Then again, don’t we all?

 

 
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