Snapshots of a… Crazy Kinda Life

The Misadventures of Messie Jessie

Top 5 Benefits of a Massive 2nd-Degree Curling Iron Burn on Your Neck March 25, 2016

Filed under: All about me,Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 9:24 am
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  1. Not only am I certain that my curling iron still works, but I am able to roughly gauge just how hot it gets. “Blistering hot”, to be precise.
  2. You are able to discern if people are actually listening to you, or just feigning attention. Eyes that wander to your neck is a dead giveaway.
  3. It is a chance to finally try out that sexy side-swept-hair-covering-face look. Bonus points because the style requires NO HEAT.
  4. One is forced to contemplate the subjective passage of time as you rummage through the first aid supplies, only to discover they all expired in 2013. (Even though that was technically 3 years ago, it really does not feel like it was that far in the past. So that Neosporin must still be good, right?)
  5. I now know the universal magic words to getting any same-day appointment are “I think it’s infected”.

Come on, you are all thinking it. So, for the record: it is NOT a hickey, ALRIGHT?

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Got any tips on how to cover this darn thing up? Help a sister out at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com

 

Top 5 Reasons Having A Monster Zit on Your Face Is Pretty Awesome March 10, 2012

Filed under: Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 1:26 pm
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  1. It really puts trivial problems, like Korea’s threat of nuclear warfare, into perspective.
  2. I bet you didn’t notice that spinach that’s been caught in my teeth all day, now did you?
  3. It’s an all natural way to restore that coveted youthful complexion. No harsh chemicals required.
  4. When you’re standing in line at the grocery store, it’s a great topic for small talk.
  5. Ok guys– I’ve been thinking about this for three days now and I got nothing else. Zilch. That zit on my face couldn’t come up with anything either.
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While you’re thinking up a final reason why monster zits are pretty awesome, be sure to Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

Email me a pic of your monster zit at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com and I might just use it in this post!

 

Top 5 Reasons Ryan Gosling Should Ditch Eva Mendes and Marry Me March 1, 2012

Filed under: Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 10:03 pm
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  1. I dig foreigners. Especially ones that come preprogrammed with English. (Además, hablo español también.)
  2. I’ve never done the whole Red Carpet thing before, but I’ve totally got that 3/4 face technique mastered.
  3. I would lick him in places he’s never even imagined being licked before… like maybe the malleoli. You may not know what the malleoli is, but I bet Ryan Gosling does.
  4. Eva may be slammin’ hot, but I’m way more charismatic and intellectually stimulating. As we grow older together, this will become increasingly important. Remember, beauty fades but awesomeness stays. It’s never too late to start investing in your future, Ryan.
  5. I’m ok with being the ugly one in the relationship.

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And, Ryan, if you happen to be reading this, feel free to reach out: CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com. I promise I won’t say a word until you’re ready to make our love public.

 

Top 5 Reasons “Words With Friends” Will Be the Death of Me February 15, 2012

Filed under: Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 4:03 pm
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  1. It’s sort of like texting except I don’t really need anything to talk about. Playing the word “bored” pretty much covers anything I would have said anyway.
  2. Because another buzzing notification from my phone is exactly what I need.
  3. It has significantly limited my vocabulary to words that are 3 – 5 letters long. Bonus points if they contain Q, J, Z or X.
  4. I have a friend who has beat me at every game we’ve played. I no longer consider her a friend.
  5. Because I am sitting here writing a post about Words With Friends when what I should actually be writing is a paper about the history of Social Work. Both “social” and “work” are worth 11 points in Words With Friends. This is also the number of pages my paper is required to be.

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Email me your favorite word you’ve ever played at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com. I’ll tell you mine too.

 

Top 5 Things Men Should Avoid When Choosing Photos For On-Line Dating December 30, 2011

Filed under: Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 3:47 pm
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  1. Do not use photos that include your ex-girlfriend— even if she’s cropped/blurred/blacked out. Come on, we know she’s there and we know what you tried to do. It didn’t work.
  2. No matter how many you send us first, do not hassle a lady to send you more pics. We’ll send you more pics when we’re goddamned ready to send you more pics.
  3. If you are (in)conspicuously hiding a certain body part in every photo, we will quickly discern that there is something you are hiding. We will always assume the worst.
  4. Do not choose photos that contain friends who are hotter than you. We will only be disappointed when we realize that they are not you.
  5. For the love of God, put your shirts on!

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And now you can email me too! CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com 

 

Top 5 Reasons the Holidays Are Way Better When You’re Single December 24, 2011

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  1. When you’re all bloated and uncomfortable from consuming an obscene amount of holiday goodies, you can sprawl out spread-eagle in bed without guilt because you don’t have to share it with anyone.
  2. You don’t have to fear being all nervous about meeting a significant other’s family members for the first time and consequently drinking way too much, then making an ass out of yourself in front of the exact people you had desperately wanted to impress.
  3. Less gifts for others = More money to spend on gifts for yourself
  4. You can belt out Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas in the car without any loss of dignity as you attempt to hit that final high E note (which is three octaves out of your range and more closely resembles a screeching eagle than it does Christmas cheer).
  5. You have successfully averted any chance of awkward conversations with probing family members about the likelihood of adding another stocking to the fireplace next year. Drink your eggnog in peace, my friends.

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Top 5 Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Achieve Greatness In My 20’s December 20, 2011

Filed under: All about me,Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 3:29 pm
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  1. I would have blown all the money on drugs, booze and hookers
  2. For a significant portion of my 20’s I was fairly overweight. Now I don’t have to watch Where Are They Now episodes and be reminded of how fat I was.
  3. It wasn’t until age 31 that I actually learned how to spell “achieve”.
  4. One can never be sure, but knowing myself at that age, there’s a chance I would have been hanging out with Jimi, Janis, Kurt & Amy in the Forever 27 Club.
  5. One word: Snooki.

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