If there is one thing that is customary about a first date, it’s the Escape Plan. Everyone has had one. You may not have used it, but you had it in your back pocket just in case that guy you met at the coffee shop went from being your Dream Man to the Sandman.
I had a first date recently. It was “meh”. But then this Meh Guy asked me out again and I figured, “What the heck. If nothing else, it’s free drinks and entertainment.” What can I say? I’m an optimist.
Right up to the time I left the house I was still feeling “meh” about the date. I even considered standing him up but then the whole stupid “empathy” thing kicked in and I realized that is a totally uncool thing to do. Meh Guy had probably shaved and everything. If someone shaves for you, it’s just not cool to stand them up.
Walking toward the dirty subway, staring down at my grey Converse All Stars as I got step-by-step closer to a night full of “meh”, I was suddenly struck with the most amazing escape plan ever. If everything went as I planned, Meh Guy would have no idea it was an escape plan at all. With haste I pulled out my phone, sat on a neighbor’s stoop and sent a text to my male friend asking for his help.
Of course, my male friend turned out to be totally lame, and that’s not exactly how things went:
Lame Friend: “How’s things?”
Me: “Getting ready to go meet up with Meh Guy.”
Lame Friend: “Lame.”
Me: “Exactly. That’s why I need your help.”
Lame Friend: “??”
Me: “You show up and are all like ‘Who is this? What are you doing with another guy? I was waiting for you at home! I MADE YOU ZITI!’.”
Lame Friend: “Oh, I don’t want to be a home wrecker.”
Lame Friend: “You don’t like him anyway.”
Me: “I know, but it would make it sooo much easier than telling him I don’t want to see him anymore. Please. I NEED you.”
Lame Friend: “So lame.”
Me: “No, YOU’RE lame. Where’s your sense of adventure?”
Lame Friend: “Waiting for you to ditch your date so we can go out and get a drink! Actually, that’s a lie. I’m at Lowe’s.”
One hour and fifty-four minutes later…
Lame Friend: “Are you still on your stupid date? Are you getting engaged yet?”
Me: “Shut up. I’m getting drunk, that’s what I’m getting.”
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What’s your favorite escape plan? Spill your secrets in an email to CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com!