Snapshots of a… Crazy Kinda Life

The Misadventures of Messie Jessie

Every Girl Needs An Escape Plan September 26, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 9:48 pm
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If there is one thing that is customary about a first date, it’s the Escape Plan. Everyone has had one. You may not have used it, but you had it in your back pocket just in case that guy you met at the coffee shop went from being your Dream Man to the Sandman.

I had a first date recently. It was “meh”. But then this Meh Guy asked me out again and I figured, “What the heck. If nothing else, it’s free drinks and entertainment.” What can I say? I’m an optimist.

Right up to the time I left the house I was still feeling “meh” about the date. I even considered standing him up but then the whole stupid “empathy” thing kicked in and I realized that is a totally uncool thing to do. Meh Guy had probably shaved and everything. If someone shaves for you, it’s just not cool to stand them up.

Walking toward the dirty subway, staring down at my grey Converse All Stars as I got step-by-step  closer to a night full of “meh”, I  was suddenly struck with the most amazing escape plan ever. If everything went as I planned, Meh Guy would have no idea it was an escape plan at all. With haste I pulled out my phone, sat on a neighbor’s stoop and sent a text to my male friend asking for his help.

Of course, my male friend turned out to be totally lame, and that’s not exactly how things went:

Me: “Hey!”

Lame Friend: “How’s things?”

Me: “Getting ready to go meet up with Meh Guy.”

Lame Friend: “Lame.”

Me: “Exactly. That’s why I need your help.”

Lame Friend: “??”

Me: “You show up and are all like ‘Who is this? What are you doing with another guy? I was waiting for you at home! I MADE YOU ZITI!’.”

Lame Friend: “Oh, I don’t want to be a home wrecker.”

Me: “Boo.”

Lame Friend: “You don’t like him anyway.”

Me: “I know, but it would make it sooo much easier than telling him I don’t want to see him anymore. Please. I NEED you.”

Lame Friend: “So lame.”

Me: “No, YOU’RE lame. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

Lame Friend: “Waiting for you to ditch your date so we can go out and get a drink! Actually, that’s a lie. I’m at Lowe’s.”

One hour and fifty-four minutes later…

Lame Friend: “Are you still on your stupid date? Are you getting engaged yet?”

Me: “Shut up. I’m getting drunk, that’s what I’m getting.”

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What’s your favorite escape plan? Spill your secrets in an email to CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com!

 

Another Round of 100% For-Real Online Dating Screenshots! June 26, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 8:37 pm
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Whatever I write here doesn’t really matter because you’re just going to scroll past it to look at all the fancy pictures in this post, so I’m just going to shut my yapper and get on with it.

And remember, (snarky photoshopped commentary aside) everything you see here is completely real. Enjoy!

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Now, more lifelike than ever!

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Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said “HAIRlines”. My bad.

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All of the above?

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In his response he apologized by saying, “Sorry, I want do that again.”

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I don’t know, that bathing suit babe is pretty hot…

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Are these photos comic gold or fool’s gold? Let me know when you Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

Think I have no right to ridicule innocent people looking for love and that I will probably suffer infinite lifetimes of bad karma? I’m open to your opinion, so let me have it when you email CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com.

 

Everything You Are About to See in This Post is Completely, 100%, For Real. Believe It. April 25, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 12:06 am
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I’ve done something that I thought I would never do. I’m even sort of embarrassed to admit it publicly, but what you are about to see is just too good not to share and I’ve got no other viable way of explaining how I came across this stuff, so I’m just going to get it over with and come clean:

I have ventured into the world of online dating.

It’s not that a gal like me can’t get a date with a another human being in person, because I can. (I can, dammit; I can!) But it’s just so much easier when I can do it from the comfort of my couch, eating my Frosted Mini Wheats out of Tupperware (because I have zero desire to do my dishes and all my bowls are buried in the lower levels of my sink somewhere) while wearing my dingy, coffee stained, pink robe.

I haven’t been at this whole internet dating thing for too long, so I don’t have wild stories for you just yet (but I will, and we both know you will read them). But, oh man, have I seen some things. Things that I can’t believe a person would put out there for anyone with a username and password to see. (This is probably why they are on an online dating site, but I refuse think about this too much since I, too, am now on an internet dating site and I don’t want to think about what this, in turn, says about me.)

Before we go on any further, I feel compelled to remind you that what you put out there on the internet pretty much becomes public domain the moment you post it, which might just find its way on some lady’s blog with or without your knowledge (or permission). Your stupidity becomes my fair game.

Now, let us move on to the good stuff.

I sort of feel bad for this guy now.

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No comment

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"Inmate Number 35821, your internet time has EXPIRED. Back to your cell."

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Attention dads, lock up your daughters! But don't worry, he's only interested if they're related.

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I call him the Latin Pirate.

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Think I stand a chance at finding love on the internet? Give me yours when you Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

Send me your crazy online dating stories at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com, because I clearly enjoy a laugh at someone else’s expense. Then again, don’t we all?

 

Why 32 Is A Totally Awesome Age For Dating March 26, 2012

Filed under: All about me,Masticate on this — Messie Jessie @ 11:37 pm
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… Because you can go out with both 27-year-old boys and 37-year-old men and neither one is inappropriate.

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In the last year, I have pretty much dated exclusively in the +/- 5 year extension range. It wasn’t until my most recent date, which happened to be with a 27-year-old, that this fact came to my attention. After telling this aged Twenty-Seven guy all about how he was on the cusp of entering a spectacular time in his life, I segued to the amazingness, for a woman like me, of dating a younger man. Since I knew that the relationship was never going to go beyond this one date (despite the fact that he was a most enjoyable date– but, you know, we were pretty clear on the reality of the situation), I had no misgivings about fully disclosing my dating history of the 365 days prior.

Me: “You know, now that I think about it, you’re the third 27-year-old I’ve dated since the start of the new year.”

Twenty-Seven: “Since the start of the new year? How many people do you go out with?”

Me: “Oh, well not that many really. But before you three 27-year-olds, there was a 37-year-old. He was pretty fantastic too. Then before him there was another 27-year-old, and then before that, a 37-year-old. That’s all I can think of in the last, maybe, 7 months or so. I feel like I’m forgetting someone though.”

Twenty-Seven: “Not that many, huh? Boy, you sure do know how to make a guy feel special.”

Me: “No, you are special. All of you are special. You see, the beauty between dating both 27-year-olds and 37-year-olds is…..”

Do you know that 27-year-old son-of-a-gun actually sat there and listened to me emphatically ramble on about the awesomeness of other guys I’d dated for a good twenty minutes? And then he let me buy him breakfast.

Just another beauty of dating a 27-year-old; they’re so attentive sometimes. Bless their 27-year-old hearts.

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Shortly after my date with Twenty-Seven, I decided my age preferences were a phenomenon that required closer examination. I asked myself, which is better: dating a 27-year-old or a 37-year-old?

Just for you, my readers, I have taken a purely scientific approach and developed the following method of measure:

I like fulcrums, yes I do. I like fulcrums, how about you?

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Oh heck, who cares. When they’re with me, everybody wins!

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Email me at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com and tell me all your favorite things about dating older and younger folks. If you write, I might even share some of the wonders that didn’t make it into this post. 😉

And if you like fulcrums as much as I do, don’t forget to Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

 

Top 5 Reasons Ryan Gosling Should Ditch Eva Mendes and Marry Me March 1, 2012

Filed under: Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 10:03 pm
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  1. I dig foreigners. Especially ones that come preprogrammed with English. (Además, hablo español también.)
  2. I’ve never done the whole Red Carpet thing before, but I’ve totally got that 3/4 face technique mastered.
  3. I would lick him in places he’s never even imagined being licked before… like maybe the malleoli. You may not know what the malleoli is, but I bet Ryan Gosling does.
  4. Eva may be slammin’ hot, but I’m way more charismatic and intellectually stimulating. As we grow older together, this will become increasingly important. Remember, beauty fades but awesomeness stays. It’s never too late to start investing in your future, Ryan.
  5. I’m ok with being the ugly one in the relationship.

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Think we would make the perfect couple? Well then, show your support when you Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

And, Ryan, if you happen to be reading this, feel free to reach out: CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com. I promise I won’t say a word until you’re ready to make our love public.

 

Top 5 Things Men Should Avoid When Choosing Photos For On-Line Dating December 30, 2011

Filed under: Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 3:47 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

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  1. Do not use photos that include your ex-girlfriend— even if she’s cropped/blurred/blacked out. Come on, we know she’s there and we know what you tried to do. It didn’t work.
  2. No matter how many you send us first, do not hassle a lady to send you more pics. We’ll send you more pics when we’re goddamned ready to send you more pics.
  3. If you are (in)conspicuously hiding a certain body part in every photo, we will quickly discern that there is something you are hiding. We will always assume the worst.
  4. Do not choose photos that contain friends who are hotter than you. We will only be disappointed when we realize that they are not you.
  5. For the love of God, put your shirts on!

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Hey ladies (or gents), got something you want to add to this list? Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

And now you can email me too! CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com 

 

Crazy Little Thing Called… November 8, 2011

I’ve often thought that I should write a relationship blog. Why? Because I’ve had so darned many of ‘em. Problem is, I’ve earned an advanced degree in Relationship Studies but with a concentration in Failure.

As you may recall, I’ve written quite a bit on the subject already. Over the last year I’ve made an effort NOT to write about relationships. I didn’t want to become one of those ubiquitous diary-esque blogs where I go on and on about frivolous details of my love life. Hello… snooze-fest! I mean really, who cares to read about my personal pratfalls to make intimate emotional connections with the opposite sex, anyway? (Actually, I know there are a bunch of you naughty, little voyeurs out there. I can see your glowing eyes from the shadowy alcoves of the internet.)

So why, if I’ve made an effort not to write about relationships, am I writing about relationships today?

Blame the definition of insanity.

Say what?

According to the basic text of Narcotics Anonymous, the definition of insanity is, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. We’ve all heard this tiresome adage before. But it wasn’t until about a month ago it finally occurred to me that, according to the above definition, I’ve been completely, out-of-my-mind, whack for the past 17 years.

I’m not going to disclose the how’s and why’s of my mad relationship skills. I’ve got to consider the cost/benefit ratio here, and seriously guys, I’m not getting paid to write this sh*t (yet) so it’s not worth the risk of gunning down any more relationships for the sake of a few extra site hits. Hand me a paycheck and I’ll reconsider.

However, I can smell all your mouths salivating for details, so: No, I am not in a relationship, per se, at this time. In fact, I’m not even speaking (er, writing) exclusively about romantic relationships here.

Heck, I’m pretty sure I accidentally, single-handedly slaughtered a friendship just today. (I’m not joking. Apparently what I think is “funny” is considered by others to be “harsh”. Who knew?)

Here’s the deal: From now on I’m going to start doing things differently when it comes to people I care about. But I’m scared; I’m anxious; and I’m stumbling around in the dark and have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I’m a freaking dimwit when it comes to these things, so really, in that respect, things are not all that different. Except this time I’m stepping out of my old, familiar idiot zone and awkwardly walking around in a new one. Blindfolded.

I’ve decided to pull my helmet out of the closet, dust off my knee pads, and am fully prepared to fall flat on my face. The only protective gear I’m leaving behind? The one that goes over my heart. That’s usually the only one I never leave home without.

So here’s to hoping a two-word apology speaks volumes, an open heart opens doors, and a little love goes a long way.

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You’ve also heard this tiresome adage before, but I’m sticking with my crazy on this one: Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

 

 
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