Snapshots of a… Crazy Kinda Life

The Misadventures of Messie Jessie

Every Girl Needs An Escape Plan September 26, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 9:48 pm
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If there is one thing that is customary about a first date, it’s the Escape Plan. Everyone has had one. You may not have used it, but you had it in your back pocket just in case that guy you met at the coffee shop went from being your Dream Man to the Sandman.

I had a first date recently. It was “meh”. But then this Meh Guy asked me out again and I figured, “What the heck. If nothing else, it’s free drinks and entertainment.” What can I say? I’m an optimist.

Right up to the time I left the house I was still feeling “meh” about the date. I even considered standing him up but then the whole stupid “empathy” thing kicked in and I realized that is a totally uncool thing to do. Meh Guy had probably shaved and everything. If someone shaves for you, it’s just not cool to stand them up.

Walking toward the dirty subway, staring down at my grey Converse All Stars as I got step-by-step  closer to a night full of “meh”, I  was suddenly struck with the most amazing escape plan ever. If everything went as I planned, Meh Guy would have no idea it was an escape plan at all. With haste I pulled out my phone, sat on a neighbor’s stoop and sent a text to my male friend asking for his help.

Of course, my male friend turned out to be totally lame, and that’s not exactly how things went:

Me: “Hey!”

Lame Friend: “How’s things?”

Me: “Getting ready to go meet up with Meh Guy.”

Lame Friend: “Lame.”

Me: “Exactly. That’s why I need your help.”

Lame Friend: “??”

Me: “You show up and are all like ‘Who is this? What are you doing with another guy? I was waiting for you at home! I MADE YOU ZITI!’.”

Lame Friend: “Oh, I don’t want to be a home wrecker.”

Me: “Boo.”

Lame Friend: “You don’t like him anyway.”

Me: “I know, but it would make it sooo much easier than telling him I don’t want to see him anymore. Please. I NEED you.”

Lame Friend: “So lame.”

Me: “No, YOU’RE lame. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

Lame Friend: “Waiting for you to ditch your date so we can go out and get a drink! Actually, that’s a lie. I’m at Lowe’s.”

One hour and fifty-four minutes later…

Lame Friend: “Are you still on your stupid date? Are you getting engaged yet?”

Me: “Shut up. I’m getting drunk, that’s what I’m getting.”

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What’s your favorite escape plan? Spill your secrets in an email to CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com!

 

Another Round of 100% For-Real Online Dating Screenshots! June 26, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 8:37 pm
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Whatever I write here doesn’t really matter because you’re just going to scroll past it to look at all the fancy pictures in this post, so I’m just going to shut my yapper and get on with it.

And remember, (snarky photoshopped commentary aside) everything you see here is completely real. Enjoy!

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Now, more lifelike than ever!

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Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said “HAIRlines”. My bad.

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All of the above?

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In his response he apologized by saying, “Sorry, I want do that again.”

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I don’t know, that bathing suit babe is pretty hot…

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Are these photos comic gold or fool’s gold? Let me know when you Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

Think I have no right to ridicule innocent people looking for love and that I will probably suffer infinite lifetimes of bad karma? I’m open to your opinion, so let me have it when you email CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com.

 

Everything You Are About to See in This Post is Completely, 100%, For Real. Believe It. April 25, 2012

Filed under: Adventures in Dating — Messie Jessie @ 12:06 am
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I’ve done something that I thought I would never do. I’m even sort of embarrassed to admit it publicly, but what you are about to see is just too good not to share and I’ve got no other viable way of explaining how I came across this stuff, so I’m just going to get it over with and come clean:

I have ventured into the world of online dating.

It’s not that a gal like me can’t get a date with a another human being in person, because I can. (I can, dammit; I can!) But it’s just so much easier when I can do it from the comfort of my couch, eating my Frosted Mini Wheats out of Tupperware (because I have zero desire to do my dishes and all my bowls are buried in the lower levels of my sink somewhere) while wearing my dingy, coffee stained, pink robe.

I haven’t been at this whole internet dating thing for too long, so I don’t have wild stories for you just yet (but I will, and we both know you will read them). But, oh man, have I seen some things. Things that I can’t believe a person would put out there for anyone with a username and password to see. (This is probably why they are on an online dating site, but I refuse think about this too much since I, too, am now on an internet dating site and I don’t want to think about what this, in turn, says about me.)

Before we go on any further, I feel compelled to remind you that what you put out there on the internet pretty much becomes public domain the moment you post it, which might just find its way on some lady’s blog with or without your knowledge (or permission). Your stupidity becomes my fair game.

Now, let us move on to the good stuff.

I sort of feel bad for this guy now.

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No comment

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"Inmate Number 35821, your internet time has EXPIRED. Back to your cell."

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Attention dads, lock up your daughters! But don't worry, he's only interested if they're related.

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I call him the Latin Pirate.

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Send me your crazy online dating stories at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com, because I clearly enjoy a laugh at someone else’s expense. Then again, don’t we all?

 

Why 32 Is A Totally Awesome Age For Dating March 26, 2012

Filed under: All about me,Masticate on this — Messie Jessie @ 11:37 pm
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… Because you can go out with both 27-year-old boys and 37-year-old men and neither one is inappropriate.

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In the last year, I have pretty much dated exclusively in the +/- 5 year extension range. It wasn’t until my most recent date, which happened to be with a 27-year-old, that this fact came to my attention. After telling this aged Twenty-Seven guy all about how he was on the cusp of entering a spectacular time in his life, I segued to the amazingness, for a woman like me, of dating a younger man. Since I knew that the relationship was never going to go beyond this one date (despite the fact that he was a most enjoyable date– but, you know, we were pretty clear on the reality of the situation), I had no misgivings about fully disclosing my dating history of the 365 days prior.

Me: “You know, now that I think about it, you’re the third 27-year-old I’ve dated since the start of the new year.”

Twenty-Seven: “Since the start of the new year? How many people do you go out with?”

Me: “Oh, well not that many really. But before you three 27-year-olds, there was a 37-year-old. He was pretty fantastic too. Then before him there was another 27-year-old, and then before that, a 37-year-old. That’s all I can think of in the last, maybe, 7 months or so. I feel like I’m forgetting someone though.”

Twenty-Seven: “Not that many, huh? Boy, you sure do know how to make a guy feel special.”

Me: “No, you are special. All of you are special. You see, the beauty between dating both 27-year-olds and 37-year-olds is…..”

Do you know that 27-year-old son-of-a-gun actually sat there and listened to me emphatically ramble on about the awesomeness of other guys I’d dated for a good twenty minutes? And then he let me buy him breakfast.

Just another beauty of dating a 27-year-old; they’re so attentive sometimes. Bless their 27-year-old hearts.

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Shortly after my date with Twenty-Seven, I decided my age preferences were a phenomenon that required closer examination. I asked myself, which is better: dating a 27-year-old or a 37-year-old?

Just for you, my readers, I have taken a purely scientific approach and developed the following method of measure:

I like fulcrums, yes I do. I like fulcrums, how about you?

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Oh heck, who cares. When they’re with me, everybody wins!

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Email me at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com and tell me all your favorite things about dating older and younger folks. If you write, I might even share some of the wonders that didn’t make it into this post. 😉

And if you like fulcrums as much as I do, don’t forget to Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

 

From The Unpublished Archives March 16, 2012

Filed under: I'm a poet: now you know it — Messie Jessie @ 9:09 pm
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While looking for a previously published post from many years ago, I happened across a poem I wrote in June of 2009. I remember why I wrote it. I remember why I hated it. I remember why it made me smile. I remember why I never published it.

I know why I publish it today:

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Ambling avenues with thoughts gone by,

I feel your presence of recent, nigh.

A ghost, a trace, a voided space.

Our shadow overlaps,

The caress of paths that almost pass.

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Now it’s your turn to remember: Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share! (And remember to email too: CrazyKindaLife.gmail.com)

 

Top 5 Reasons Ryan Gosling Should Ditch Eva Mendes and Marry Me March 1, 2012

Filed under: Top 5's — Messie Jessie @ 10:03 pm
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  1. I dig foreigners. Especially ones that come preprogrammed with English. (Además, hablo español también.)
  2. I’ve never done the whole Red Carpet thing before, but I’ve totally got that 3/4 face technique mastered.
  3. I would lick him in places he’s never even imagined being licked before… like maybe the malleoli. You may not know what the malleoli is, but I bet Ryan Gosling does.
  4. Eva may be slammin’ hot, but I’m way more charismatic and intellectually stimulating. As we grow older together, this will become increasingly important. Remember, beauty fades but awesomeness stays. It’s never too late to start investing in your future, Ryan.
  5. I’m ok with being the ugly one in the relationship.

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Think we would make the perfect couple? Well then, show your support when you Rate, Comment, Subscribe, Share!

And, Ryan, if you happen to be reading this, feel free to reach out: CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com. I promise I won’t say a word until you’re ready to make our love public.

 

Desperately Seeking… Neurotransmitters?: Science of Sadness for the Layman February 10, 2012

Maybe your beloved cat died. Perhaps some super-awesome guy you were dating gave you the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line. It could be that your best friend moved from three blocks away to three time zones away. Maybe you got laid off from your job because the over-paid Execs decided that your position was extraneous and that by eliminating your salary they could increase their profit margins.

No matter which case above applies, they all make you feel the same way: sad.

Sadness is a broad term and has a wide spectrum. Because broad terms and wide spectrums tend to get real confusing real quick, let’s simplify sadness into two basic types: transient sadness and chronic sadness. Transient sadness is when something unfortunate happens and you feel sad for a while, but eventually the sadness passes. Chronic sadness is longer lasting and generally does not pass without some sort of intervention.

All fancy categorization aside, sadness sucks. In fact, sadness sucks so bad that we’re desperate to alleviate this sucking by inventing bizarrely named medications to stop us from being sad. We’re all pretty familiar with using these Suckiness Stopping medications, right? You swallow a pill for 4 – 6 weeks, during that time the Suckiness Stopping pills start changing something in your brain and eventually, if everything goes as it should, the sucking stops and you feel less sad.

Of course, not all sadness requires Suckiness Stopping pills. But whether you’re transiently sad or chronically sad, something was going on inside your brain to make you feel sad. So what’s that all about? What’s going on in your brain that makes you feel all sucky?

Neurotransmitters.

A neurotransmitter is how your nerve cells talk to each other. A cell sends out a neurotransmitter and another cell picks it up, which gives the receiving cell a message that it needs to be doing something. That cell does what it’s supposed to do, then sends out a neurotransmitter to another cell to tell it what to do next.

Imagine you lock yourself out of your house. It’s February, which means it’s flippin’ cold outside. Your goal is to get the front door unlocked so that you can get back inside the house so that you don’t get all hypothermic and what not. You know that your sister is inside the house, warm and cozy in her bedroom on the second floor. Unfortunately for you, you also left your cell phone inside the house so it’s not like you can call her or anything. You decide that the best way to get her attention is to take a pebble from your driveway and throw it at her window. Your sister hears the pebble hit the glass, goes to the window, opens the window and you tell her to unlock the door because you are freezing and might die (which is an exaggeration of the truth, but whatever, it’s cold outside and you don’t care). Because your sister has a broken leg, she can’t get downstairs to open the door before you die, so instead she yells down the stairs to your mother, who is in the kitchen making a chocolate bundt cake. Your mother hears your sister, wipes her hands on her apron, walks through the living room and to the front door, turns the latch, opens the door and let’s you inside. Goal accomplished. You did not die.

Consider you, your sister and your mother to be nerve cells. Consider throwing the pebble, yelling down the stairs and walking to the door to be the neurotransmitters. This is what is happening inside your brain. And your brain is doing this all the time. Like, constantly. Like, right now. And not just one pebble at a time either. There are thousands of pebbles being thrown around your brain at lightning speed at any given moment. That’s a lot of pebbles.

Each of these pebbles are responsible for sending different messages. Some pebbles are responsible for making you do things that you aren’t even thinking of, like breathing and digesting. Some pebbles are responsible for deciphering the symbols on this page into meaningful representations of concepts so that you can read and understand this blog post.

So which pebbles are responsible for sadness? A few actually.

These pebbles are called Monoamines. You’re probably familiar with the names of these pebbles: dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine (also known as noradrenaline). There are other monoamines too, but they’re not really relevant to this article, so they get the shaft (sorry, melatonin). These are your “feel good” neurotransmitters and they each make you feel good in different ways.

Dopamine gets you all excited and motivated and makes you want to do things that feel good. It also remembers what makes you feel good so you are sure to repeat the feel good experience. Dopamine also makes you all yippy-skippy and gets you talking to complete strangers in the elevator because you are, like, totally exploding with feeling-goodness.

Serotonin is the cool, calm and contented feel-good that makes you want to relax on your couch, chill out and listen to some good tunes with some good friends. Serotonin reminds you that life is good and you want to keep it that way. When serotonin was younger, it probably smoked a lot of pot.

Norepinephrine is a lot like dopamine, in that it gets you all excited and wanting to go after things that make you feel good. It also helps you feel confident in stressful situations. Norepinephrine helps you pay attention to things, especially ones that make you feel good, so that you can leap after them with a quickness and get these good things as fast as you can, because you want to feel good as fast as you can. Norepinephrine also helps you make a quick get-away from things that don’t make you feel good.

Dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine sound like a good time, right? Yep, sure do! They probably sound so good that you think you want as many of these neurotransmitters as possible pumping through your cells, right? Well, not really.

Turns out, “too much of a good thing” is a pretty accurate when it comes to monoamines.  At the most basic level, too many monoamines can make you feel too good. Dangerously good. That’s what psychiatrists call “manic”. More specifically, too much dopamine can give you really annoying, not to mention involuntary, muscle movements (also known as tardive dyskineasia). It can also make you paranoid or see and hear things that aren’t really there. Too much serotonin can make you sick to your stomach, pass out and maybe even poop your pants. Too much norepinephrine can make you really angry and want to hurt people.

Too many monoamines = not feeling good.

Fortunately, your body has a way to keep these monoamines under control and on track to feeling good: Monoamine Oxidase. Monoamine Oxidase isn’t a neurotransmitter though; Monoamine Oxidase is an enzyme. Believe it or not, you’ve probably heard of this enzyme before. Does this phrase sound familiar?: “Consult your doctor before taking this medication if you have used an MAO inhibitor in the past.” Yeah, you’ve probably heard it a zillion-and-three times through your TV screen, in an advertisement for some new Suckiness Stopping medication. There are different types of monoamine oxidases (MAO). For purposes of this article, we are only concerned with MAO-A.

Enzymes break chemicals down. MAO-A’s primary function is to break down and consume the monoamines in your body (by using oxygen, which is why it’s called monoamine oxidase. “Oxy” = oxygen, “ase” = enzyme. See? Science isn’t that hard to understand!). When everything in your body is working as it’s supposed to and life is treating you pretty ok, MAO-A meanders out of your liver, into your brain, and gently grazes on the monoamines.

But when your cat dies prematurely at the age of 6, in your arms, from an unknown illness, this signals to your brain that something sad has happened. Now, here’s where it gets foggy. Scientists don’t really know what causes your brain chemistry to change, but they do know which parts of your brain get more activated when you are sad. What’s more, they know that the brain activation from transient sadness and from chronic sadness are not that different from each other. These scientists also know that when people are chronically sad they have fewer monoamines and more MAOs in their brain. Since the brain activation between transient and chronic sadness are similar, scientists conclude that the chemical changes that cause these sadnesses must also be similar.

When your brain signals that a sad event has occurred, monoamines start hiding out in the nerve cells. Without any feel-good stimulus (like the knowledge that your dead cat will never nuzzle your cheek again), they have no reason to open lines of cheerful communication between your cells because there is nothing to feel cheerful about.

But don’t forget, your body is still releasing the MAOs, and with food now scarce, they are getting hungry. The MAOs march straight to your brain and consume as many monoamines as possible. For the daring few dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine that are willing to risk the journey, look out– the MAOs are coming right for you, with fork in hand.

The result is very few monoamines and too many MAOs. Without enough dopamine we feel lethargic, unmotivated, unsocial and experience a sense of longing. Too little serotonin makes us feel emotionally empty, causes problems sleeping, decreased appetite and less interest in pleasurable activities. If there’s not enough norepinephrine, we have a hard time concentrating and we get anxious and fearful.

In short, we are sad.

Being sad sucks. If you’re not reading this article because you’re a huge fan of my amazingly popular blog, chances are you found me because you, too, are sad. But hey, guess what? There’s hope for us, the saddened masses! You know that pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked ice cream you consumed within an hour after super-awesome guy gave you the obligatory, “I still want to be friends”? Or what about that piece of left-over double pepperoni pizza you ate at midnight because you couldn’t sleep after dreaming about the pink slip your boss handed you this morning?

Turns out that comfort food is your ally!

That’s right, there’s evidence that the fatty acids in comfort food improves your mood! The evidence is slim, but at least I don’t have to feel bad about the 20 chicken McNuggets and extra-large Shamrock Shake I housed this afternoon.

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If you want to learn more, click any of the links posted throughout the article. The terminology isn’t as user-friendly as what you just read, so if you just want to wallow in sadness with someone for a while, go ahead and email me at CrazyKindaLife@gmail.com and we can be miserable together.

 

 
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